I Have Choosen to Stay and Fight
Temperament: Calm
Record: "Wasteland" by 10 Years

Damn, I feel like I'm playing Clue. I got one group saying it was was Ms. Black with the e-mail in ther bedroom, I got other people saying it was Ms. White in the den with the computer, and I got some saying it was Mr. Tan with the cell phone at the university. Hell who knows it could all be a bluff.

So the last 48 hours have been infinately interesting. I've been reading some people's reactions and they aren't the people I thought they were, but that's fine I'm sure they are trying to get use to who I am too. It really doesn't mean anything.

I spent an hour or so arguing with Kurt about the Clue thing. He wants me to take some retaliatory vengence like action. I really don't care that much about people's opinions to do that. He accused me of being a doormat and letting people walk all over me. I just think that sometimes the best retaliation is none at all. I think he expects me to act with other people like I act with him. I demand almost perfection from him, I feel bad for him because of this. For everyone else, there flaws are there flaws. I think he expects me to be like some blood thirsty warrior woman when people wrong me. Eh, I'd like to think myself something slightly more temperate. I don't like to lay all my feelings or all my cards out at once. I think my reactions to things surprise people a lot. I think I come off harsher than what I really am.

Enough on that. I'm looking forward to the 9 day break. I hope nothing too deranged happens at home. I think tomorrow I might skip my morning class and go out in the morning and just sit in the dew. Kurt doesn't understand my stillness while all this is going on. I really can't explain. Things happen and I can react or not react. Now or later it doesn't matter. Never it doesn't matter. Some actions make the world stop--those are the ones you fight about. If the world keeps spinning you say fuck it and move on.

Kurt is here talking to me again about defending myself. It's funny how puffed up he is about doing something. It reminds me of a few years ago. Damn I have a finesse for turning people against me. Eh what can I say, I do things and cop to them and then take people's words for their actions. Maybe I'm just naieve and would rather think the best of people. I'm rambeling and I don't give a fuck.

It's funny how many songs you know all the words to isn't it?

I kinda want to keep going. I want to keep writing. Keep talking to no one and nothings. I feel like Fucking Doogie Houser or Jessica Sara PArker in Sex in the City...type and talk to yourself :P

I wonder what Jonnell is doing I need to call her. I need to call Keisha. I need to call Daniel. Break couldn't have come at a more perfect and flawless time. I'm kinda tired of people and their opinions and their nosiness. Kimberly Humpheries grabbed me today and tried to talk to me. She is my total opposite. Blonde hair, blue eyes, nice clothes, cheerful, my total opposite. She told me today that she wanted to be more like me. I was confused and laughed and asked her what she meant. She said I always had such a serious expression like I didn't feel anything and on the rare occassions she's seen me smile she thinks its nice. She also said she liked the way I talked. Something about how I went through an all possible senario things. She said I always feel far away from people. I wonder if that's a nice way of saying I'm spacy. I told her she made me sound really cool when I was pretty open and run of the mill, but I guess it's just to people who really know me which is all of 5 people. To everyone else there must be a lot of black on my rap sheet in their heards. I dunno. Sometimes I wish I was more like Kimberly Humpheries too. But I can only be what I am, as wonderful or as terrible as that maybe.

Hmm I think I"m going to go read the interview in the back of my Angel Cage Art book. I like that interview a lot.

Peace out

PS Yo Priest as much as I should distrust you I dont I still have faith in you. I'd more readily believe other people at fault than you :P



Wasteland


Change my attempt good intentions...

Crouched over
You were not there
Living in fear
But signs were not really that scarce
Obvious tears
And I will not
Hide you through this
I want you to help
Please see
The bleeding heart perched on my shirt

Die, withdraw
Hide in cold sweat
Quivering lips
Ignore remorse
Naming a kid, living wasteland
This time you've tried
All that you can turning you red

Change my attempt good intentions
Should I, could I
Here we are with your obsession
Should I, could I

Crowned hopeless
The article read living wasteland
This time you've tried
All that you can turning you red
but I will not
Hide you through this
I want you to help

Change my attempt good intentions
Should I, could I

Here we are with your obsession
Should I, could I

Heave the silver hollow sliver
Piercing through another victim
Turn and tremble be judgmental
Ignorant to all the symbols
Blind the face with beauty paste
Eventually you'll one day know

Change my attempt good intentions
Limbs tied, skin tight
Self inflicted his perdition

Should I, could I
Change my attempt good intentions
Should I, could I
Should I, could I